Thursday, October 25, 2012
Post 11 - Pow! Pop! Sizzle!
Alina inspired this post. When we were brainstorming expos topics, she brought up onomatopoeia. So...you guessed it. For this week's response you are using your 300 pithy words to create an onomatopoeic symphony. Think of it as Stomp on paper (or in the cloud). Don't just list words, put them together as a narrative. Take chances, as long as you proofread, this is the place to experiment with your writing.
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Pow! Bam! Adriana’s face was smashed into the wall by Paul’s powerful fists. She shook her head, stared at him straight in the eyes. Voosh! She sprinted towards him, head first, into his stomach and they landed on the floor. Shocked at what had just happened and shocked at how powerful Adriana was, Paul shoved her off of him with all his might. Crack! She landed on her back and on the pavement right beside the road as he jumped up and was ready to fight her again. Even though she was weakened by the pain that she felt in her back, Adriana just couldn’t give up. This was the man that had kidnapped her daughter; this was the man she had to fight and if violence was the way she was going to get her daughter back, then so be it. Swoosh! She stood back on her feet. Adriana once again sprinted towards Paul, but this time he dodged her and she ran straight into the pole on the sidewalk. CLINK! This was the loud sound that was made when her skull hit the metallic pole. Boom! She fell straight to the ground and Paul broke out in laughter. Hahahahah! “You thought that you were a match to me? I will keep your daughter until you agree to pay me back for that ‘thing’.” She answered in pain and still on the ground with a stern voice, “That ‘thing’ happened years ago. Can we not put it behind us?” Slowly he approached her reaching into his pocket and pointing a gun at her forehead, “How dare you try to forget about it.” BOOM!
ReplyDelete“Aaaaand cut! Great scene everyone. Time for a five-minute break! Be back on time for Scene 5,” said the director of “Violence is Never The Answer” .
Jenn, you've got some great sound words - they would be even stronger if you used active voice to make the violence more violent.
DeleteClink! Clonk! Bang! Startled by the strange and loud noise, Maria jumped out of bed. Baffled by where the noise was coming from, she walked out of her room to find out. Bang! Clank! Clink! She heard it again. The noises appeared to be coming from the kitchen. Confused but afraid at the same time, she quietly made her way to the kitchen, tiptoeing so that her footsteps wouldn’t make a banging sound on the hardwood floor. As she got closer, she could hear whispers and the clank of pots and pans banging against each other as if two people were trying to cook without waking anyone in the house up. Unfortunately, they were failing miserably since I was now awake, confused and eager to find out who or what had the audacity to wake me up this early in the morning! Shockingly, I walked into a kitchen that I could not recognize at all anymore. My once perfectly clean kitchen had turned into a complete mess, covered with mice and cockroaches shuffling and rustling about the kitchen counter, the drawers and cabinets, and even the sink! A loud screeching noise arose from within me, followed by screams and shivers at the sight of filthy, reeking insects. “Waaaaaah! Ewwww! How? What? When? Whyyyy?” My kitchen was swarmed with disgusting, ugly, hairy little beasts that had turned the place upside down! I stood there, still traumatized by the unexpected manifestation of pests, thinking of ways to get rid of them. I began to itch my body; it felt like the cockroaches were crawling all over my body now. “Eeeek,” I screamed. I quickly made my way out the kitchen before things got worse and dialed the rodent exterminator’s number so that he could immediately make his way over here and get rid of these pests!
ReplyDeleteFarah, you do have some definite onomatopoeic sounds here, but they lose the impact they could have when you cover them up with matching narrative. Let these sound words speak for themselves - their purpose is so you don't need to say what the word says - Instead of "splat, the bug was flattened by the book" try "the book splattered the bug's guts all over the wall."
Delete“Welcome! Welcome to the most famous cooking show - Oh My Chef,” said the MC of the show. “Boooo!,” the audience shouted. “We will be starting the World Cooking Competition today! Horray!,” the excited MC said it to himself and continued “Uhumhum… Okay so I introduce, the chef from Mongolia, Utanaya!” “Hahaha, what a weird name,” said one of the audience loudly. Utanaya started to make his food. The kangaroo steak sizzled on the pan and the soup was bubbling in the pot. “Eek! That looks disgusting!,” one of the judges shouted. “Okay, so Utanaya’s foods are completed and the judges are tasting them. What do you say, judge?,” the MC asked the judge. “Hum, the crunchy potatoes are amazing. However, I hate the slimy touch of the soup,” said the judge. The MC moved on to the next chef, whose name was Jessica. “So Jessica, what’s your food about?,” asked the MC. “Well, my food is like a magic. You know like when a rose comes out of the hat like.. Poof! and… Ouch!,” said Jessica. She cut her finger with a knife. “Eww, the blood is dripping on the food!,” shouted the audience. Chip chop chip chop, the other chefs were all busy cooking. Ding ding ding! The time is up. “Oh no! Give me more time!,” cried the Brazilian chef. Crack! Bam! Splash! The studio turned into a mess! All the chefs started to protest and did not stop cooking. “Okay chefs. The time is up and it is time for a judgement,” said the MC. The judge tasted all the foods and opened their mouths. “Yuk, this food is horrible,” said the judge. “Oh my, this food is wonderful!,” said the other judge. The MC listened to the comments of the judged and said, “So, the winner of the World Cooking Competition is…!”
ReplyDeleteYeun Ji, Again, my comment is let the onomatopoeia speak for itself. you don't need to tell us what happened with each sound - use the word as the action: "the audience booed him" Try your bubbled and sizzled line with asyndenton - I think you'll find it's stronger that way.
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ReplyDeleteCreeeeeck! Carmel, guide of the haunted house, opened the entrance. Wax figures; some sitting, some walking with the spine-chilling music frightened the last group of teens. Screaming and shouting could be heard all over. AHHHHHHH!
ReplyDeleteLisa suddenly sees Arnold, the so-called vampire of the haunted house. She proposes an invitation, “Would you like to come over to my place tonight for a small gathering? I’ve invited Gerald and Sienna as well.” He agrees.
Tik-Tok! Tik-Tok! Time went by fast, and it was 10p.m. already and Carmel had left early. Arnold walks down to first floor to see whether Carmel was waiting for him. After a while; “I can’t believe they fooled me. Again, and I fell for it.” thinks Arnold. Arnold, getting scared, walks towards the exit. “Thump thump.” To his surprise, the door was locked. He looks at his watch, its 10:15.
Frightened Arnold, looking for a place to spend his night, goes upstairs. After climbing a few steps, he stops to breath. “Huff huff”, but wait, he can still hear something. He also feels something touching his shoulders. Arnold turns to check what it is and check where the footsteps are coming from.
Meanwhile, Carmel, feeling guilty about leaving Arnold alone in haunted house can’t sleep. She thinks “Darn! I shouldn’t have lied to Arnold about the gathering tonight. Fine I’ll just go a back to the haunted house. Wait, first let me make an apology speech.”
Chhook! Carmel unlocked the entrance door. She looked around but didn’t find him. She started climbing the stairs to see whether he was there. She heard footsteps too, but when she turned around, she saw someone, or something familiar. It looked quite similar to Arnold, “Whoa…now where did this wax figure come from?”
Eerie ending. Sometimes you and Yeun Ji frighten me with your dark sides. Like the others, you have the onomatopoeia here, but you are "gluing it in" not using it to help set the tone for the writing. Incorporate it, don't narrate it.
DeleteAs students began to leave the classroom, and phone calls brokek the dead silence of the room, so silent that I could hear the ticking of the clock “tick-toc tick-toc,” my anxiety began to build up and the throbbing of my heartbeat became quicker “DO DUM DO DUM ” and quicker. “RING!!!” I exhaled deeply, a breath of satisfaction “pshhhh” and was ecstatic to see a phone call from my father. “Alina! Go get the Salman, James, Kindrina, Farah… NOW!” the list of names goes on and on. I stormed out of the classroom went to fetch the others and brought them to the car. We were the last ones to leave the school.
ReplyDeleteOn May 6, 2006 the Democratic Republic Of Congo underwent a traumatizing experience of continuous shootings due to the military men of the opposing candidates.Leaving the gates of TASOK was by far the worst sight. Not a single soul was on the road except for dead corpses, which I’m assumed were innocent civilians. We got closer and closer to town which was near my house, (literally 500 feet away from us), a soldier whose eyes were bloodshot and reeked of alcohol decided to stop us for no apparent reason. My dad rolled down his window and the soldier decided to load his gun “chk chk,” the sound was disturbing and haunted me. All I wished for at that point was to get home safely. My patience and worry reached its peak and tears began streaming down my cheeks “weep weep”. I couldn’t take the stress anymore so I clutched my friend Roshni’s arm in fear of death. In the meantime my dad had to bribe the soldier, as he handed over the money the soldier contentedly accepted it. In exchange for that, we got gunfire. He pointed his gun in the air and with no aim, he began “TA! TA! TA! TA!” We zoomed off “VAROOM! VAROOM!” and completed our adventure home. R.I.P to the many innocent lives that were taken away due to the unnecessary riots.
Alina, three things. 1. Nice epithet at the ending - your compassion comes through clearly. 2. proofread: you have several typos that you should not have here. 3. You can use onomatopoeia by itself: "we zoomed off." or "I could hear the tick tock of the clock on the wall of the room" - you do not need to narrate each sound - in fact, doing this lessens the impact of the onomatopoeic device and breaks up your narrative.
Delete“It’s his secret to reveal, they said.”
ReplyDelete“What a paradox,” I thought. Secrets are meant to be kept personally but gays and lesbians have to reveal them for their own happiness and that is not easy at all. Especially teenagers, who are very sensitive and vulnerable, often do not reveal their “secrets” because they fear the attacks and rejections of their families and their friends. Living their lives with a “big secret,” which they will have to reveal one day, which will cause a “catastrophe,” which will completely change their lives, which will change their families’ and friends’ attitudes towards them, gay and lesbian teenagers are suffering. Reading this article made me think of my ideas on gays, lesbians and their lives.
I sometimes imagine a world where homosexuality is considered straight. In that world, I must be an odd one, a minority, a weird kid. Would I have courage to come out in that world? Would I be brave enough to endure all the obstacles? Would I be not afraid to talk about myself to my family and friends who think that I am weird? I would say no.
It is sad how the gays’ and lesbians’ natural thoughts and behaviors are considered odd and not acceptable by people. It is like saying something that is so natural to them is not natural but disgusting and unacceptable to us. Homosexual teenagers are very likely to be harassed by their friends at school and seen negatively without any reasons but because of the fact that they are not straight. Although it is true that today’s people’s understanding and thoughts on homosexuality has been ameliorated, still a majority of people consider gay and lesbians “not normal.”
I believe that the time will resolve the problem; slowly, our community will accept gays and lesbians as a part of our society, not a different kind of people. The “secrets” will not be considered as secrets but personal preferences.
DRING !!!…. DRING !!!….Snnrrrr Snnrrrr DRING!!!!....DRING!!!!.... woah! Oh my god! *bad word*, says James. He is late for his golf tournament. He quickly gets up and runs to the bathroom. Pssssssssssss; He’s finally relaxed. He drank a lot of water last night. James is always late for his tournaments. He gets up late every time and starts with the bathroom. While brushing his teeth you hear a shik shik shik shik shik sound, but a lot faster. He sometimes forgets to put toothpaste. After only brushing like 4 teeth in his mouth, James sprints to his closet. He messes everything and throws all his clothes on the ground. He gets a polo and slams the closet shut, Bam ! He continues to sprint on the marble tiling making eeeeak eeeeak sounds. He finally hops on the car and VROOOMMM, drives away.
ReplyDeleteThe tires make nothing but screeching sounds as he zooms his way to the club. He gets there and hears “JAMES, please approach the tee”. As he walks to the tee he hears a TING after TING after TING from the practice range; people practicing with their clubs that give out loud sounds.
It is now James’ turn to tee-off and he is a little stressed. Put his ball on the ground and takes position. He takes his back swing and shhhhhh; swings forward and completely misses the ball. The ball didn’t move and inch. All the spectators remain silent and he is embarrassed. He picks his ball up and says he is done. James leaves his group on the first hole. He is known for having a bad temper and breaking clubs. Lets hope James changes and turns out to be a descent and relaxed golfer.
Salman, you use these sound words with more aplomb than many, but still you need to incorporate others more throughly. for example, you do a great job with "psssssss" you let it speak for itself. You have an excellent set up for "and VROOOOM" but then you needlessly add "drives away" weakening the effect of the onomatopoeia by narrating it. Let these words do the work they can do so well. they increase the imagery of your writing by adding sound.
DeleteOn this early Tuesday morning we knew we had a long day ahead of us. Sitting in the small boat with the rest of my squadron, the weather wasn’t perfect but it was better than it could be. SPLUSH FLOUSH, many solders around me were getting sea sick from the rolling waves. The order to get ready was given. CLICK CHICK, SHUKE SHCHK, we all strapped on our gear and cocked our guns. Our boat was specially engineered for this exact purpose; the only problem was that once the front ramp was lowered it would leave us all directly open to the enemy. Once we landed we would have to hurry off the boat so that the beach defenses wouldn’t mow us down right away.
ReplyDeleteTCHSHHH, we landed. “Go go go!” The ramp quickly fell, and as we all rushed for it the first three men collapsed with the impact of the enemy fire. BOOM FUSHSS, I scrambled over the body bags and ran for the first glimpse of cover I could see: a tank obstacle. I looked back and saw where the explosion had come from, the boat next to ours had been shot by a bazooka, no one had made it off. I looked back just in time to see my friend run off of our boat, PAHK PAHWK PAKW, my friends limp body crumbled into the puddle next to me. The enemy artillery was holding us up; I could see nowhere to hide. A few of the other solders from my boat had run off and were crouching next to me. “We’ve got to move up the beach!” The man next to me motioned for us to make our way forward. “Ready… Now!” The three of us sprang from our positions and ran forward. PAHK PAHWK PAKW, my limbs went numb and I collapsed. All I could see was the two men lying next to me on the beach, soon the blood started to cover my vision and my world went black.
sometimes you frighten me with your "dark" choices of subject, but you do it well. So far, you incorporate the sounds better than most, but you could still embed them a bit more. Also, watch spelling on possessives.
DeleteBEEP, BEEP … those where the sounds I heard first thing in the morning as I woke up to get ready for school. We live on a very busy road with cars always passing by. SWOOSH, the taxi passed by as I tried to cross to the other side of the road to catch the school bus. I assume it was raining the night before as the roads are very wet and SLIPERY today. As I stand on the other side of the road by a lamppost and wait for the bus, I take out a book to read. BANG BANG, gunshots in the air AAAAHHH! And people screaming and scrambling everywhere. I stand there in terror not knowing whether to go back home or stay where I am. As I look up to see what is going on, I see the school bus approach WHEW, a sense of relief fills my heart. BANG BANG, again out of nowhere, this time one of the bullets hit one of the school bus’s wheels, which then causes the driver to lose control of the bus and CRASH into the nearest lamppost. SCREECH BEEP BANG were the last sounds I heard as the bus crashed into the lamppost I was standing by. I do not even know how I survived that crash, all I remember was I waking up in a hospital bed, why, how or when I got there does not RING a bell. My mother told me what had happened on that day and from that day on. I could not believe that I spent six months under life support. After a bit more care I was finally allowed to go back home. As I slowly opened the door “CREEK” SURPRISE! Everybody from the inside yell as they had a welcome home party planned. It was surely great to be home.
ReplyDeleteOkay, both you and Sam scare me with your darkness, but again, well done. Most of the time you incorporate the sounds into the movement to help move everything forward. At the end, when the door CREEKS open, you could go more active to help out.
Delete“Hohoohhoo”…said Santa as he made his way down through the chimney with a bag filled with lots and lots of toys for the little kids. Bang! Jim shut the door behind him and ran out of his room Boom...Crackkk...Squeak...Clannggg, making loud thunderous noise while he ran on wooden floor.” Ohhh...Santa Clause finally you’re here I was waiting for you,” said Jim! So what did you get me, where’s my present?” It’s a surprise, Jim and I know you’ll love it,” said Santa. Gurgle, Santa stomach growled. Jim hurried to the kitchen to go get Santa some cookies. Umm…said Santa while chewing on a cookie, “these are very delicious”. “So Santa” said Jim excitingly,” what did you get me, please tell me I can’t wait to see it”. Santa peeked into his bag and grabbed a box covered with shinny red paper. Here’s your present Jim, and don’t forget to be a good boy. “Yes, I won’t and thank you so much Santa I love you”, said Jim. As he tried to open his gift and looked behind Puff... Santa disappeared.
ReplyDeleteYou have a few interesting choices that work quite well: "stomach growled," "ummm," "peeked," and "grabbed." You don't need to use a word then expand on it as much as changing the form of the word: "Jim banged the door shut" for example.
ReplyDeleteToc! Toc! Toc! Someone was knocking downstairs while I was studying in my room. I couldn’t go so I asked my little sister to go check. “Mtsiou! Can’t you go yourself “she replied. I told her I’m studying and if I move I won’t be focused anymore. She went and the house was so quiet for more than 30 minutes. I was starting to ask myself questions until I heard Kok! Kok! Kok! Two people were coming upstairs. Tiiiiun! The gnash of my door made me turn and look who was getting in. It was my sister and aunt. It had been 4years that I hadn’t seen my auntie and she planned the surprise with my mom. I was so happy to see her, Yeaah! Aaaah! I screamed and I jumped on her and Poom! Poom! We fell down with her bag. We started talking and she said” I have something for you guys.” I was so impatient to see and my sister too. Clllshhh! Clssshhh! By the time I was taking my gift, my sister was already opening hers. She got me a beautiful watch and the same necklace as my sister. We didn’t sleep that night because we were full of joy.
ReplyDeleteWell expressed. Probably the best incorporation of sound of anyone on this post. Your's is really a good part of the action.
ReplyDelete